Detroit vs. Miami, the Sequel:GOODBYE HEAT
Nicely, effectively, properly, its that time of the year once again, with the NBA Playoffs for the Eastern Conference Finals. Its all about matchups, NOT only ON but also OFF the court. Right here are the matchups:Detroit vs. Miami, the Sequel:GOODBYE HEAT Weather: NO Beach vs. South Beach.Advantage: Miami MUSIC: Madonna vs. Gloria Estefan. The Queen of Pop against the conga. Benefit: Detroit Best SONG ABOUT CITY: Kisss Detroit Rock City vs. Will Smiths Miami. The Fresh Prince has as a lot street credibility as the Backstreet Boys. Besides, Gene Simmons has slept with more ladies than Wilt Chamberlain. Advantage: Detroit RAPPER: Eminem vs. Pitbull.I dont care for Eminem, but to paraphrase Stuttering John on Pitbull: WHO are you and what do you do that makes you well-known??? Advantage: Detroit RESTAURANT: Carls Chop Home vs. Joes Stone Crab. Carls is great, but Joes is the Greatest.Advantage: Miami WRESTLER: Rob Van Dam vs. The ROCK. The Rock is retired from the ring, but my great friend, Mr. Spend-Per-View/The Entire F---en. Show RVD, is the greatest athlete in wrestling. Dont believe me? Ask Rasheed Wallace. Benefit: Detroit COLLEGE FOOTBALL Applications: U of M. vs. THE U. In the last 25 years, Michigan has won a single National Championship and made the Most Clutch Quarterback in the NFL, by the name of Tom Brady. However, the NFL must be known as the University of Miami Alumni Association, and THE U. has won 5 (count them: five) National Championships (must be seven. SEE FLAWED 2000 BCS System and 2003 National Championship Fiesta Bowl for the Worst Contact in Sports History). Advantage: Miami COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES: Lloyd Carr vs. Larry Choker (Ooops, I meant Coker) This is College Footballs version of Rich Kotite vs. Ray Handley. Advantage: PUSH Renowned ALUMNI: Selma Blair & Dr. Jack Kevorkian vs. Michael Irvin & The ROCK. The Playmaker & The ROCK lay the Smackdown on all their Candy Asses. Advantage: Miami Girls: Initially, this appears like a monumental mismatch. In terms of quantity, its a NO CONTEST, but had been talking good quality here. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale girls are FAKER than the silicone in their breasts. Motor City girls are HOT, but far more importantly, theyre Actual. Benefit: Detroit SPORTS FANS: This is a larger mismatch than Microsoft vs. Enron. Detroit sports fans have suffered by way of years of futility with the Lions (still are) and Tigers, but unconditionally help their teams by means of thick and thin. There had been NO Heat fans prior to Wade and Shaq came to townAlonz-HO Mourning is the epitome of a sell-outthe Canes CANT sell out the Orange Bowl unless they play Florida State or Virginia Techand regardless of winning TWO Planet Series Championships in the franchises first 11 years, the Marlins are now on the brink of contraction. Not a bad thought. Whilst theyre at it, please contract all the fair weather fans also. Hands down, Miami is the BANDWAGON FAN/WORST SPORTS TOWN IN AMERICA! Benefit: Detroit SPORTS Talk HOSTS: From what I have been told, it is NOT a prerequisite for potential talent to have played for the Lions in order to have their personal talk show. They actually have to be talented and entertaining broadcasters. Envision that? What a novel notion! Benefit: Detroit NFL TEAMS: Lions: NO Super Bowls Dolphins: TWO Nick Saban could be the next Bill Belichick and Matt Millen is the Isiah Thomas of NFL Front Offices. Benefit: Miami POINT GUARD: Chauncey Mr. Huge Shot Billups (2004 NBA Finals MVP) vs. Jason White Chocolate Williams. This is about comparable to asking Whats a much better film: THE GODFATHER or GIGLI? Advantage: Detroit SHOOTING GUARD: RIP Hamilton vs. Dwyane Wade. For non-NBA followers, it appears like a no-brainer, but this is a lot closer than it appears. By the way, who held D. Wade scoreless in the fourth quarter of Game Seven 2005 Eastern Conference Finals? RIP, thats who. Nevertheless, this Flash most undoubtedly has substance. Advantage: Miami Modest FORWARD: Tayshaun Prince vs. Antoine Walker. The battle of the Kentucky Wildcats. Celtic fans need to be laughing, as Danny Ainge couldnt wait till An-twahn Walk-ah (Boston accent) left town. He couldnt play Defense if Tony Soprano held a gun to his head. Plus, Tayshaun is Straight Outta Compton, like Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and Suge Knight. Benefit: Detroit Power FORWARD: Rasheed Wallace vs. Udonis Haslem. Haslem gets exploited like Martha Stewart on Wall Street or Ashlee Simpson on Saturday Night Live anytime these two face every single other. Sheed is the ideal outdoors shooter 68 and above because a guy by the name of Bird. Soon after a couplemore championships, he will be headed to my hometown of Springfield, to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Perhaps Sheed is the James Worthy of the 21st Century. Advantage: Detroit CENTER: Ben Wallace (4-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year) vs. Shaquille ONeal (3-time World Champion). Aside from a couple of playoff games, Shaq appears like a shadow of his former dominant self in this post-season. Shaq gets the edge, but Massive BEN will give him all he can deal with. By the way, who was the center who beat Shaq when he was with the Lakers in 04 and the Heat in 05? Now, that guy goes for the hat trick. Advantage: Miami COACHES: Flip Saunders vs. Pat Riley. In spite of the truth that Riles hasnt won something since Whitney Houston and George Michael have been atop the Billboard Charts in 1988, Flip only produced it previous the very first round once in his career before he got to Detroit. Riley is a sure-fire Hall of Fame coach, from searching at his pre-Miami rsum. Conversely, check out his post-New York rsum hed have problems getting into the WNBA Hall of Fame (See 98, 99, 2000 Property Court Season Ending Playoff losses to the Knicks first round Playoff loss to the then Charlotte Hornets in 01 draft lottery in 02 & 03). Aside from (figuratively) stabbing his best buddy, Stan Van Gundy, in the back, hes probably a nice guy. Benefit: Miami FRONT OFFICES: Joe Dumars vs. Pat Riley. Hands down, Joe Dumars is the best executive in the NBA (SEE lopsided trades: Grant Hill for Ben Wallace & Chucky Atkins Jerry Stackhouse for Richard Hamiltonyou may contact this a RIP OFF PUN Intended). Joe D. may not be excellent, passing on D. Wade, Chris Bosh and Carmelo in the 2003 Draft for Darko, but hes fairly damn close. Riley should know if it aint broke, dont repair it! His team was a minute and a half away from the NBA Finals a year ago, so what did he do? Got rid of the teams greatest 3-point shooter, Damon Jones, legit point guard Keyon Dooling, underrated Rasual Butler, and very best Defender, Eddie Jones, for White Chocolate, James POSER,and two way past their prime egomaniacsWalker & Payton. But, most of all, he FIRED his protg, Stan Van Gundy, to appease his own ego.Advantage: Detroit PREDICTION: To quote my new pal, Frank Vincent, a.k.a. Billy Batts from GOODFELLAS and Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos: MIAMIGO Residence AND GET YOUR F---IN SHINEBOX! Mickey Arison might sign the paychecks, but the PISTONS Own the Heat! DETROIT ROLLS IN 5 GAMES. GUARAN-SHEED! Dont overlook to listen to The Sports Edge with yours really, a.k.a. The Genuine American Idol, Marc Bednarczyk, & The Excellent Jim Grieshaber, every day on Sirius Satellite Radio (Channel 122) from four-7 P.M. EASTERN.
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